Why Do We Keep Repeating Painful Experiences?
Nobody wants to suffer, yet somehow, we find ourselves in the same painful situations over and over again. We repeatedly fall into relationships that mirror old wounds, sabotage our own progress, invite unnecessary hardship, replay past traumatic experiences, or instinctively shy away from happiness.
A lot of people come to therapy wondering why they keep running into the same painful patterns. They feel stuck, believing that suffering is something that simply happens to them—a result of bad luck, misfortune, or the fault of others. What a lot of people don’t see—or don’t want to admit—is the role they play in keeping these cycles going. This isn't because they deliberately seek suffering, but because deep-seated psychological forces subtly shape their choices and reactions.
On the surface, these patterns don’t always make sense. We watch friends and family make the same mistakes again and again and think, “Why don’t they just stop?’" Maybe we even see the same patterns in our own lives—things that seem to follow us around no matter what we do—but we feel stuck or just don’t know where they come from.
These patterns often work in the background of our minds, which is why it can be so hard to break free from them. Most of the time, we’re not even fully aware of what’s keeping us stuck or why we start destructive relationships. Some of these patterns are rooted in early experiences that shaped what we expect from life and relationships. Others come from cognitive biases that keep us repeating familiar, even painful, patterns.
Here are four common—and sometimes surprising—reasons why we might keep reliving painful experiences.
1. The familiar feels safe—even when it’s harmful.
We often end up repeating painful experiences simply because they are familiar. Our minds cling to what they know, even when that "known" thing is damaging. This tendency runs deep, shaped by early experiences that form our understanding of relationships, safety, and love.
We see this pattern in our relationships all the time. For instance, someone raised by emotionally unavailable parents might find themselves drawn to partners who keep their distance. Even though they long for kindness and security, they might mistake genuine care for boredom, or confuse emotional detachment with passionate intensity. If someone grew up with love that came in unpredictable emotional waves—alternating between warmth and coldness—they might unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror that same instability, replaying an old, familiar pattern. Someone raised in an environment where vulnerability was met with rejection may find it hard to open up—not because they want to be alone, but because intimacy feels unfamiliar, and unfamiliarity feels unsafe.
These patterns don’t just show up in relationships—they also shape how we treat ourselves. If we believe we’re fundamentally flawed, we might find comfort in self-criticism, not because it feels good, but because it feels “right” in a weird way. Or if we grew up in chaos, we might unconsciously recreate that chaos as adults, finding ourselves drawn to high-stress jobs, financial uncertainty, or emotionally unstable situations.
Pain isn’t always about what we fear most. Sometimes, it's just what we know best—what feels familiar, even if it hurts.
2. The fear of uncertainty can keep us stuck.
Much like the gravitational pull of familiarity, we might stay in painful situations simply because we know what to expect. The alternative—stepping into the unknown—feels way more terrifying.
Our brains love predictability, even if it means sacrificing our happiness or well-being. A bad job, an unhappy relationship, or a harmful habit might suck, but at least we know what we’re dealing with. In other words, things are predictable. Leaving means stepping into the unknown, and that can feel way scarier than sticking with what we know—even if it’s miserable.
Think about someone who hates their job but stays anyway. They might think, "At least I know how to manage this stress. What if I quit and end up in an even worse situation?" Similarly, someone in a dull, unsatisfying relationship might tell themselves, "At least I know what to expect here. What if I never find love again?" The fear of losing control over what comes next traps them in their current situation.
For some, unhappiness becomes its own kind of comfort—not because it feels good, but because it feels predictable. If someone has spent years navigating stress, disappointment, or rejection, happiness can feel unsettling, even suspicious. They might expect things to go wrong or believe that joy always comes with a catch. Over time, this mindset can make suffering feel like the safer, more familiar option. When you always expect the worst, at least you’re never caught off guard.
3. There are hidden benefits of suffering.
Pain isn’t always all bad. Sometimes, it comes with unexpected perks that make it harder to move on from the struggles we wish we could leave behind. This is known as secondary gain.
Secondary gain is a concept from Freud’s psychoanalytic theory. It’s the idea that, even in our struggles, we can unknowingly find benefits. For example, someone with a chronic illness might realise they get more attention and care from loved ones than they did when they were healthy. Or, someone dealing with anxiety might find that their condition gives them an easy excuse to avoid things that feel overwhelming. The reason they might keep holding onto these painful experiences is because of the hidden benefits they provide—whether it's the support, attention, or avoidance they may not even realise they’re getting.
Therapists often see this dynamic at play. Many people truly want to move forward, but something always pulls them back. When they dig deeper, they discover that staying stuck might be protecting them—maybe from facing deep emotional pain like grief or regret.
But there is some research evidence showing that some people “consciously” maintain painful patterns when they come with certain benefits, such as financial support. While this isn’t the case for everyone, it highlights how suffering can sometimes serve both unconscious and conscious psychological functions. Recognising secondary gain isn’t about dismissing real struggles or invalidating pain—it’s about gaining deeper self-awareness and understanding why letting go can sometimes feel so difficult.
Therapy helps people uncover these hidden reasons behind their struggles, offering clarity on why it’s tough to move forward. It helps them recognise what they might fear losing in the process—whether that’s a sense of safety, predictability, or even the support structures built around their current challenges.
4. Guilt can make us feel undeserving of happiness.
For some, suffering becomes a way to “pay” for the feeling that they don’t deserve happiness, success, or joy. If someone believes that good things must be earned through struggle, they might sabotage their own well-being, thinking they have to suffer in order to “earn” any happiness that comes their way.
This pattern can show up in different ways. Some people can’t simply enjoy their success—they feel like they have to prove themselves worthy of it over and over again. Others sabotage their relationships, convinced they don’t deserve love. In more extreme cases, people might develop self-destructive habits, like overspending, procrastinating, or staying in toxic situations, because they feel happiness is a privilege that needs to be earned through struggle.
Childhood experiences often play a big role in shaping this pattern. If a child grows up in an environment where love and approval are conditional—only given when they achieve something or sacrifice for it—they start to link happiness with guilt. They come to see comfort, ease, or joy as something that must be justified, rather than something they’re allowed to simply enjoy.
Research on fear of happiness suggests that when people believe happiness has negative consequences, they may instinctively avoid positive emotional experiences. This avoidance, in turn, can negatively impact their well-being.
Cultural and religious traditions can also reinforce these fears and even romanticize suffering. For example, in some Eastern cultures, such as Japan, happiness is sometimes viewed with caution, as it is believed to bring suffering. Similarly, many belief systems emphasise suffering as a path to redemption, self-discipline, or moral superiority. While such perspectives can build resilience, they can also create an unhealthy relationship with joy—making happiness feel undeserved unless it follows hardship.
Temporary physical or emotional pain is not always harmful. As psychologist Paul Bloom explains in The Sweet Spot, pain can serve a protective function. However, when this pain becomes a recurring pattern—when we repeatedly fall into the same behaviours or reactions—or turn into suffering, it can keep us stuck and prevent us from moving forward. Living a fulfilling life requires us to recognise these patterns and find healthier ways to cope with challenges and connect with others.
Understanding these hidden dynamics isn’t about playing the victim or assigning blame. It’s about making sense of why we—often without realising it—keep repeating painful cycles. This awareness helps us become curious about our behaviours, so instead of criticising ourselves, we can begin to understand and show ourselves more kindness.
But awareness alone rarely breaks the hold of long-standing psychological patterns. While understanding is an important first step, real change requires deeper work. Therapy offers a powerful space to explore these dynamics and start rewriting our internal narratives.