Resources

Selda Koydemir Selda Koydemir

Whose life is this? The costs of advice


We can’t seem to stop telling others how to live their lives: what to eat, how much to exercise, how to raise a kid, what to believe, or even how to manage our ADHD.

Advice is everywhere, handed out like free samples at a grocery store—sometimes out of kindness, sometimes because we feel awkward and just need to say something, sometimes we want to validate our own choices, and sometimes to make ourselves feel better when someone else is struggling.

Read More
Selda Koydemir Selda Koydemir

Why Do Some Emotions Stay Longer?

Ever had a feeling that just wouldn’t leave, like an unwanted guest who overstays?

Maybe you’re still feeling the disappointment of missing out on that promotion, days after the news. Or you’ve been anxious for what feels like forever because of a difficult conversation you’re dreading.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

4 indicators of psychological maturity

We’ve all seen what immaturity looks like. Just turn on the evening news, and there it is: politicians slinging insults instead of ideas, leaders driven by greed instead of empathy, and everyday people losing it, throwing tantrums at workers who are just trying to do their jobs.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

Can I suggest therapy to my loved ones?

Your partner has been coughing and struggling with a sore throat for weeks. They’re very uncomfortable, hoping it will go away, but it isn’t. What do you do?

Chances are, you’d gently suggest, “Hey, what about seeing a doctor?”

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

Why self-love isn't necessary to love others

Ever been told you must love yourself before you can truly love others?

Or that you need to accept yourself first before you can show acceptance toward others?

You know, those feel-good, self-help mantras that are supposed to unlock the secret to all things love and connection?

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

When the world overwhelms and you feel small

Every day, we’re hit with a flood of heartbreaking news: wars destroying lives, economic and political problems breaking hopes, poverty leading to suffering, racism splitting us apart, crime taking lives and spreading fear, and climate change threatening our future.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

The loneliness of not being heard

“I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone,” I said to a friend. “I feel lonely when he is half-listening.”

This form of loneliness isn’t born from solitude but from half-hearted engagements. It’s a common frustration in relationships, where genuine connections give way to distracted attention.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

How to let go of emotional pain

Just let it go. People say it like it’s a simple task, as if letting go of pain is something you can check off your to-do list. But letting go of a memory, an experience, and most importantly, the feelings tied to them—like guilt, sorrow, despair, and shame—is anything but simple.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

17 lessons on the inner impostor

In my “What to do when you feel like a small fish in a big pond” post, I touched on the discomfort we might feel when stepping into something new and challenging. This discomfort can be daunting, bringing intense self-doubt and impostor feelings.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

Why your colleagues can't read your minds

Back in 2015, fresh from a painful breakup, I was about to deliver a speech to a large audience. Overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion, I felt completely drained. I had extensive public speaking experience, but this time felt different.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

The courage to share in a romantic relationship

Recently, while both working and enjoying a cup of coffee at a café, I couldn’t help but overhear a couple's conversation. I didn't catch the entire discussion, but one line stood out: "Tell me one thing you always wanted me to do differently but you have never mentioned."

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

When personalities collide

I’ve just revisited the TV series “The Mentalist,” and it’s reminded me of how personality differences can be both a curse and a blessing in relationships.

Patrick Jane, the charming mentalist, joins forces with Theresa Lisbon, the by-the-book detective.

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

A guide to emotional openness

“Why can’t I just rid myself of this sadness?” my friend said. “I can delete an unwanted photo or donate old clothes. It’d be so convenient if I could do the same with emotions.”

Read More
Newsletter Selda Koydemir Newsletter Selda Koydemir

5 strategies to hold inner experiences more lightly

One of the most valuable skills I’ve learned in life is the ability to adopt a broadened, flexible perspective towards self. It’s about learning to disentangle myself from my inner experiences, recognising that I’m not merely my emotion, my thought, or my memory itself, but rather the container that holds it.

Read More