Why self-love isn't necessary to love others
Exploring a pop psychology myth
Ever been told you must love yourself before you can truly love others?
Or that you need to accept yourself first before you can show acceptance toward others?
You know, those feel-good, self-help mantras that are supposed to unlock the secret to all things love and connection?
(And let’s not forget the close cousins like being kind or compassionate to yourself before extending it to others.)
These sayings, usually offered with the best of intentions, are aimed to empower us by making self-love, self-acceptance, and self-kindness sound like prerequisites to offering love and compassion to others. But while these notions might seem like pearls of wisdom at first, they oversimplify the deeply complex and reciprocal nature of human connection and the development of our sense of self.
The idea that one must be self-sufficient and overflowing with self-worth, before being capable of love, is not only misleading but also fundamentally flawed. Our sense of self isn’t a solitary creation; it’s shaped and nurtured through our relationships with others. We don't enter the world with an innate understanding of how to love or accept ourselves. From the moment we’re born, we’re dependent on others—not just for survival but for emotional and psychological nurturing. It is through these early relationships—and the loving connections we form later in life—that we learn what love, acceptance, and kindness truly mean.
Psychological theories, from psychoanalysis to existentialism, all support the idea that our self-concept is defined and realised in relation to others. Processes like self-acceptance and self-esteem don’t grow in a vacuum; they’re largely the result of our relationships. Take attachment theory—a cornerstone of human development. It tells us that a stable sense of self comes from having a secure, loving base. When we feel supported and safe, our nervous system calms down, helping us develop a balanced, grounded sense of self. This process begins with our earliest caregivers and continues through the trusting relationships we cultivate throughout life. Significant others become part of our self-concept, vital resources that help us not just survive, but thrive.
There’s compelling evidence—from various research angles—supporting the idea that our significant others are more than just important; they’re extensions of ourselves, carrying existential significance. For instance, one study showed that after a break-up, people tend to experience a dip in their self-concept. Another study found that our brains react to threats against our loved ones as if those threats were aimed directly at us. Our loved ones aren’t just in our lives; they’re in our very sense of who we are.
Of course, in an ideal world, our early experiences would be filled with unconditional love and support, laying a solid foundation for self-worth. But let’s face it; many of us grew up in environments where love was conditional, acceptance was rare, and self-worth was shaky at best.
If the “love yourself first” myth were true, many of us would be doomed to a life devoid of meaningful connections, unable to give or receive love. Fortunately, that’s not the case.
With the right relationships—ones built on trust, empathy, and mutual support—we can develop a more secure sense of self. These connections allow us to cultivate self-love and our ability to love others. Love and self-love are not linear; they evolve together, each one reinforcing the other.
Consider someone struggling with low self-worth or who finds it hard to accept themselves. Maybe they didn’t receive consistent love and care growing up. But with a loving and trusting romantic relationship later in life, their sense of self can change, and their attachment style can shift. This process isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s absolutely possible.
This is why therapy can be such a game-changer. In a trusting, compassionate relationship with a therapist, clients often experience a profound shift in self-worth. Even those who’ve endured insecure, unloving, or unstable relationships in the past can witness significant improvements in how they view and treat themselves. The trusting, non-judgmental therapeutic relationship begins to heal the fractured relationship with oneself.
You see this transformative power of relationships in countless stories. One I like is the movie The Blind Side, based on the true story of Michael Oher. A troubled teenager with a tough, unstable childhood, Michael is taken in by the Tuohy family. Through their genuine love and support, he begins to see himself in a new light. Football becomes a significant part of his transformation, giving him a sense of purpose and belonging, and increased confidence both on and off the field. Michael’s improved self-worth wasn’t something he developed alone; it was nurtured through the Tuohys’ care and compassion.
The relationship between self-love and the love we give and receive is far more dynamic and reciprocal than catchy phrases suggest. Longitudinal studies show that self-esteem isn’t just a predictor of relationship quality—it’s also a consequence of it. In fact, some studies do not find self-esteem to be a primary source of relationship quality. For example, Asendorpf and Van Aken discovered that relationship quality at age 12 predicted global self-esteem at age 17 (after controlling for personality traits), but the reverse was not true. A recent meta-analysis showed that social relationships and self-esteem is reciprocal in all developmental stages across the life span.
These findings mean while self-esteem and relationship quality influence each other, you don’t not need to have a high sense of self-worth (or self-love, if you prefer) to form meaningful connections, give and receive support, or find satisfaction in relationships. I’ve yet to encounter research suggesting that a strong sense of self-worth is a prerequisite for loving or being compassionate toward others.
So, what’s the harm in these popular sayings?
While they might seem harmless on the surface, they can set up a risky narrative for some people.
These sayings imply that unless you've reached a certain level of self-development, you're unworthy of giving—or perhaps even receiving—love. This can be particularly damaging for those struggling with low self-esteem, as it suggests they must "fix" themselves before they're ready for connection.
But I’ll say it again: it’s through relationships that we heal, grow, and learn to view ourselves more compassionately. Their acceptance of our flaws helps soften our harsh self-judgments. Their love can be the balm that heals past wounds. This doesn’t mean we should seek relationships solely to complete ourselves or expect others to take responsibility for our healing. Instead, we should recognise that a safe, loving relationship can be transformative in how we approach ourselves.
This misconception also ignores the reality that many people, especially those who’ve experienced trauma or tough childhoods, struggle with self-love. Should they be excluded from forming meaningful connections and offering love to others? Absolutely not.
Many people who start with low self-esteem or a fragile sense of self-worth can still build deep, loving relationships. These relationships can become the very ground where they build the self-love they’ve struggled to cultivate. It’s within the safety and acceptance of these connections that people often begin to see themselves more kindly, learning to love themselves through the love they receive.
Another issue with the “love yourself first” myth is that it can create a fear around relationships. If we believe we must achieve self-love before we’re worthy of loving or being loved, we might avoid connection altogether, waiting for a moment of perfect self-acceptance that may never come. This fear can trap us in a cycle of self-improvement, keeping us isolated and hesitant to open up to others.
But relationships are rarely perfect, and neither are the people in them. Love doesn’t demand perfection; it requires vulnerability, trust, and the willingness to be seen, flaws and all.
Change the narrative.
Self-love and love for others aren’t separate steps; they’re deeply interconnected. We learn to love ourselves through relationships that make us feel valued and understood. And as we grow in our ability to love others, our self-love deepens, creating a beautiful, messy, and ever-evolving cycle of connection.