Can I suggest therapy to my loved ones?
How to bring up the discussion without causing harm
Your partner has been coughing and struggling with a sore throat for weeks. They’re very uncomfortable, hoping it will go away, but it isn’t. What do you do?
Chances are, you’d gently suggest, “Hey, what about seeing a doctor?”
And they’d likely agree without being offended. Because when it comes to physical health, asking for help is no big deal. We see a doctor, get advice, and move on. Nobody sees it as a sign of weakness—it’s just common sense.
Now flip the script. Instead of a sore throat and a cough, your partner’s struggling with emotional pain. They’re sad, withdrawn, distant, and demotivated. You’re worried. You’ve tried to help but they’re shutting you out. You start to think, maybe they should talk to a therapist.
But then you hesitate—what if they take it the wrong way? What if suggesting therapy makes them feel like you’re implying they’re broken or need fixing? After all, it’s one thing to suggest medicine for a cough, and a whole another to talk to someone about their emotions. Even with all the progress around mental health, that word still carries a lot of weight, and not always in a good way. In fact, the suggestion to seek therapy can feel like an accusation.
It’s tough watching someone you care about suffer when you don’t have the answers, and that can feel like failure. Like Toby Damon said in This Is Us, “The hardest part about seeing someone you love in pain… is not being able to do anything about it, except try not to make it worse.” Toby’s words reflect a common struggle, but they also remind us that sometimes the best we can do is simply be there, offering support without trying to solve everything ourselves or rushing to suggest a solution.
So, do we have the right to suggest therapy to someone else? Should it be as straightforward as recommending a doctor’s visit? And how do we bring it up without causing unintended harm? Let’s explore these questions.
If someone asked me how to get their partner/friend/family member into therapy, my answer would be a simple “You can’t.” You can nudge, you can encourage, but at the end of the day, therapy isn’t something you can force on anyone. It’s their call.
We’ve got to take responsibility for our own mental health, not someone else’s. Trying to take ownership of another person’s mental health crosses a line—except in cases involving children, those who can’t advocate for themselves due to incapacity, or when there is a danger to someone’s life. And even then, it’s a slippery slope. You might think you’re helping, but you could be doing more harm than good.
So, what about suggesting therapy? Can’t we encourage our loved ones to get help? In an ideal world, mental health would be as easy to conversation about as a sore throat. But we’re not there yet. Mental health remains a sensitive topic for many. The truth is, bringing up therapy can still trigger defensiveness or worse. That’s why my gut reaction isn’t a blanket “Yes, suggest it.” And it’s perfectly fine if you’d rather not go there at all. Sometimes, showing concern without directly mentioning therapy is the best way to go.
Here’s what I believe: If you’re not pressuring them, it’s okay to gently suggest therapy—as long as you’re clear about your intentions and the trust is there. Plenty of people have resisted therapy at first, only to later thank the person who gave them that push.
But before suggesting therapy, consider these factors:
Ask yourself whether you’ve truly been present for this person. Sometimes what people need isn’t advice or direction, but someone who listens without trying to fix things. When they feel heard, they’re more likely to open up to the idea of getting help.
Consider why you want to suggest therapy. Is it really about their wellbeing, or are you trying to ease your own discomfort? Maybe their behavior is starting to get to you, and you’re hoping therapy will make things easier for you. If that’s the case, hit pause. Therapy isn’t about fixing someone or making your life smoother. It’s about giving them the space to figure things out for themselves, on their terms. Be brutally honest with yourself about why you’re bringing it up. If your motivations are rooted in compassion and humility, you might be on the right track. But if they’re self-serving, reassess.
Think about the level of trust in your relationship. If your loved one doesn’t feel secure in the relationship, even the gentlest suggestion could come off as judgment or blame. If they don’t trust you completely, they might see your suggestion as more about your needs than theirs. So, tread lightly.
Not everyone benefits from (or needs) therapy. While therapy can be incredibly valuable for many, offering more than just problem-solving by enhancing self-awareness, it’s not a cure-all. In fact, certain psychological treatments might even backfire and cause harm (here is an article by psychologist David Barlow on this topic). The effectiveness of therapy hinges on various factors: the therapeutic approach, the therapist's skill, the individual's readiness and willingness, and the nature of the issues at hand. Besides, therapy is just one avenue for personal growth and healing. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution. Some people are naturally resilient and self-aware, capable of navigating life’s challenges without the need for formal therapy.
How do you bring up the idea?
If you decide to go for it, do it with care. Express your concern without making your loved one feel judged or attacked. There’s a big difference between “I’ve noticed you’re going through a tough time, and I’m really worried. I wonder if talking to someone might help,” and “You seem depressed. You should see a therapist.” One is about care; the other feels like a critique.
The key is to frame the conversation around your concern for their wellbeing rather than implying there’s something wrong with them. Focus on what you’ve observed and how that makes you feel. “You’ve been acting strange lately” can sound accusatory. Build the conversation on a supportive tone, not a critical one. If you’ve been to therapy yourself, share your experience in a relatable way. This makes the idea of therapy less daunting because it shows that it’s something people do when they need support, not because they’re broken.
Make it clear that therapy is just one option and that you’re not trying to force it on them. If they want to talk about other options, discuss them with a similar interest. This will give the message that you’re in their corner, whatever they decide.
Understand that even if they don’t jump at the idea of therapy right away. Sometimes people need time to come around to the idea. Give them space to think about it without bringing it up repeatedly. Respect their decision, even if it’s not what you hoped for, and continue to support them in other ways.
And be honest. A friend of mine took her 10-year-old son to therapy without telling him. She said they were going to visit a friend of hers. Unfortunately, the plan backfired. When her son figured it out, he felt betrayed and became very angry. He had a valid point. Trust is hard to build and easy to break.
Finally, therapy should be presented as a resource, not a remedy. It’s not a place where one is 'fixed.' It’s not about telling someone they need help—it’s about showing them that help is an option and that there’s no shame in taking it. Therapy is one tool among many for living a better life.
Potential harmful effects of psychotherapy do exist.
The media is really pushing therapy these days, which is great because it's helping to break down the stigma around mental health. But there's a flip side we don’t talk about much—the potential downsides of therapy. I’d like to stress this once more: these risks exist, even if we don’t hear about them often. When you suggest therapy to someone, it's an act of care, but it’s important to realise that you have no control over what kind of therapy they’ll get or how they’ll respond to it. Keep this in mind because, if things don’t go as expected, they might hold you responsible or even blame you for suggesting it in the first place.
Remember: the decision to seek therapy is deeply personal.
Ultimately, the decision to pursue therapy is theirs, not yours. Your role is to support and encourage, not to push or insist. Plant the seed, but don’t force it to grow. If they’re not ready, pushing them might lead to resistance or resentment. Respect their autonomy and trust that they’ll figure it out when they’re ready.
If they choose not to go to therapy, try to understand why. Are they scared? Ashamed? Do they think they should handle it out on their own? Talk about those fears, but don’t bulldoze over them. Sometimes just acknowledging those fears is a huge step.
And remind yourself: Their struggle is theirs, not yours. This can be the hardest pill to swallow, especially if you’re someone who naturally wants to take care of others. But remember, the journey is their own. You can walk beside them, but you can’t walk their path for them.