17 lessons on the inner impostor
In my previous post, I touched on the discomfort we might feel when stepping into something new and challenging. This discomfort can be daunting, bringing intense self-doubt and impostor feelings.
I deeply empathise with those experiencing such feelings. Many of us have been there. Even in familiar settings, you might feel like you don't belong or don't deserve your success.
Despite the overwhelming waves of self-doubt, there is a path forward. There were times my self-doubt would paralyse me, making me question every decision, every step. My inner critic was relentless. Brutal even. Each mistake felt like a confirmation of my deepest insecurities. Today, my self-doubt visits me from time to time, but I don’t feel like a fraud anymore. It no longer controls me. That harsh, rigid inner voice has evolved to be more compassionate over time. The path forward is not about eliminating self-doubt but developing a new relationship with it.
I want to share some of the valuable lessons I’ve learned along the way, shaped by both my professional and personal experiences.
1. No one has figured it all out, my friend, nor can they. Believing otherwise is an illusion that distracts from what truly matters—what you care about the most. Let those who are great at what they do excite you, not intimidate you. Their achievements should be a source of motivation, not a reason to diminish yourself.
2. Even if others seem like they have it all together, they might be grappling with similar feelings or have once been where you are now. Recognise the common humanity in your experiences and use this understanding to be kinder to yourself.
3. The feeling of being an impostor or the wave of self-doubt is not fixed; it can change over time. It might linger, or it might fade away—and either outcome is perfectly fine. It could vanish for a period, only to resurface later. You may find it in one aspect of your life, and unexpectedly face it in another.
4. You can't erase uncomfortable feelings or thoughts; nor should you try. Doubts and fears don’t need to disappear. Pushing them away or shaming yourself for having them only intensifies their power. Rejecting your feelings means rejecting a part of yourself. Stop the struggle, stop the fight.
5. By making room for your feelings, you can navigate “through” your experience. Remember, the way is not around, but through. Even the most difficult feelings need to be acknowledged and processed, not fixed or habitually avoided.
6. There’s no such thing as a life free from doubt or fear. Embracing all sorts of emotions frees you from the struggle with your inner voice, allowing you to focus on what truly matters.
7. Be mindful of your impostor’s tendencies. The inner voice amplifies the truth in unrealistic and even brutal ways. It tends to catastrophise and generalise from one mistake, ignoring the bigger picture. Listen to them, but you don’t have to buy into everything it says.
8. You might think your inner impostor is pushing you to be better but is it really? If it’s holding you back, causing anxiety, making you invisible, or silencing you, it’s not so helpful. Your harsh inner critic starts out as a voice of reason and logic that protects you from actions and behaviours that might get you into trouble. But ask yourself, “Is it still helpful?”, “When is it helpful?”, “Is it still relevant today?”
9. Don’t confuse impostor feelings with humility. Humility is acknowledging that you don’t know everything. It’s accepting that there is plenty you can learn despite your achievements. Inner impostor is about rejecting your own competencies, knowledge, achievements. It’s possible to recognise and own a job well done and good character while remaining humble. Carry your self-worth in one pocket and humility in the other.
10. Believing that your presence takes up space does not mean others can't also occupy that space. Your contributions do not undermine others. Thinking that others do great things doesn’t mean you can’t claim your own spot. There is enough room for everyone.
11. You will always perform better than some and worse than others. Focus on what you care about. Following your values is a powerful antidote to the trap of social comparisons. It acts as a compass, guiding you towards decisions and actions that resonate with you, helping you to stay grounded regardless of how others are performing.
12. Make sure your definition of success involves seeds of what you truly value. When you pursue what genuinely matters to you, every step you take, no matter how small, becomes meaningful despite the discomfort. Defining success in your own terms will make it easier to shift the focus from external approval to internal satisfaction.
13. The impostor voice tells you to figure everything out on your own. But many things in life require community, team effort, and partnerships. It’s a vulnerable thing to ask for help. But it’s this very vulnerability which connects us with others and opens us up to acknowledging our needs and flaws.
14. Sometimes, our self-doubt is a distorted reflection of how we perceive others view us. It’s influenced by past experiences, societal expectations, or even fleeting comments that leave a lasting impact. To counter this, deliberately seek honest feedback from trusted others—those who see you without the filters of your self-doubt.
15. You don’t have to struggle in silence. Trust connections with people who lift you up, challenge, and support you. Surround yourself with those who help you gain perspective and see the best in you when you can’t. This isn't about seeking pampering; it's about leveraging the power of connection to navigate your self-doubt.
16. True confidence doesn’t come from positive affirmations. Neither from rejecting parts of yourself that experience discomfort. It begins with the willingness to do the hard things despite fear. Confidence is the result of showing up with courage even when you're uncertain.
17. Always honour your state. Start where you are, not where you want to be or where others expect you to be. Challenge yourself, but let the starting point be your current state.