Conflict and connection: two sides of the same coin
Observing my 10-year-old nephew and his 5-year-old sister, my niece, engage in quarrels and fights, it often feels as though they will be at odds or even enemies forever, or at least estranged for weeks on end.
But, no, that’s not how it plays out.
Following each heated exchange, they swiftly return to their games, laughing together again as if the dispute had never occurred.
In those moments, I can’t help but think, “What a wonderful way to live!” or “They make maintaining relationships seem effortless.”
In childhood, disagreements are fleeting. They’re brushed aside in the pursuit of the simple joy of play. Winning or proving a point isn’t that important. What matters is fun, and kids gladly let arguments slide to preserve it.
Why does letting go become so tough in adult relationships? Why is it important to be right and to win?
Adult life is undeniably more complex. Playfulness often takes a backseat to the drive for seriousness and professionalism, as if being playful and being an adult are mutually exclusive.
The baggage of our past - our unresolved conflicts, fears, and wounds - further complicates matters in relationships.
And many of us lack the tools to navigate conflicts effectively. Our experiences and role models may have taught us to avoid conflict, to become defensive during one, to express ourselves through criticism, or to demand too much. The result is small disturbances quickly escalating and small irritations becoming big arguments. And more importantly, we fail to recover from the conflicts and harm the connection in the relationship.
Unlearning unproductive habits around handling conflicts and adopting more effective ones is challenging. It’s not easy to talk to someone when you’re hurt or angry. Recovering from a disagreement, conflict, or hardship, and returning to a state of play can be daunting.
But with awareness, willingness, commitment, and practice, we can create deeper connections and find more effective ways of handling conflict.
In this piece, Part-1 of a two-part series, I’ll share three essentials that I find valuable in the process of handling conflicts in any relationship. Stay tuned for more tips in Part 2.
1) Question your beliefs about relationships.
An interesting paradox exists within relationships - whether they’re romantic, business partnership, or friendships. We often enter into relationships believing they will solve our problems, only to find ourselves faced with new challenges, conflicts, and complexities.
While we might anticipate that our fears will dissipate once we establish secure relationships, the reality is that the presence of another individual can sometimes become a source of fear as they serve as a mirror, reflecting our vulnerabilities back to us.
I’m definitely not discounting the joy, possibilities, and a sense of meaning that new relationships can bring. In fact, healthy relationships are the biggest source of happiness and meaning in life. But the idea that a relationship is a panacea for one’s issues, granting immunity from fears and conflicts, is a fallacy.
Despite the discomfort inherent in this bitter-sweet paradox, there is beauty in the growth that emerges from confronting new challenges and fears within relationships. It’s through these experiences that we evolve in ways we couldn’t have predicted before entering the relationship.
We need to accept the fact that conflict within a relationship doesn’t necessarily undermine its quality. It serves as a signpost that something requires attention. After all, the true enemy isn’t conflict itself but allowing unresolved conflicts pile up and turn into resentments.
That means we should also learn to de-escalate conflicts and recover from them. It takes practice, though, and requires a willingness to listen and take responsibility, an openness to opposing perspectives, being vulnerable as we open up our hidden corners, and the humility to acknowledge our mistakes and offer apologies where necessary.
A relationship is a commitment to work through problems as they arise.
Through my experiences with various personalities and the relationships formed with them, I’ve learned that trust isn’t rooted in the belief that conflicts won’t arise or the relationships will be free of setbacks. Rather, it's founded on the confidence that when conflicts do surface, we can de-escalate them, bounce back, and heal together.
Contrary to common belief, the purpose of a relationship or partnership isn’t to have the other person fix our problems, as if we’re outsourcing our happiness. Genuine relationships thrive on the belief that through personal growth, openness, and trust, we can navigate complexities and evolve together.
A relationship is a commitment to work through problems head-on, no matter how uncomfortable they may be.
But this willingness isn’t merely a lip service. It’s not a dismissive “Yeah, whatever! Let’s talk if you want.” It sounds more like, “I’m not sure how to resolve this but I’m willing to talk and try,” suggesting a genuine willingness to engage in dialogue.
It’s about having the humility to step back, reflect on the situation, and take ownership of our part in the process.
Conflict and connection are two sides of the same coin.
I see conflict and as intricately intertwined within the essence of relationships. While a well-resolved conflict can strengthen the connection between individuals, the very nature of connection can also give rise to new conflicts.
The good news is that conflicts that emerge within a connection hold greater potential for growth and resolution, because the foundation of connection offers a safer space for collaboration and problem-solving.
Now, I’m not suggesting that a relationship cannot progress or that a connection between the two people cannot be achieved without conflicts. Instead, it’s natural to see them occur together.
But forging a strong connection is challenging without the willingness to recover from conflict and a commitment to try again. Connection grows when you repair a fracture in a relationship because that’s when you trust that you have each other's backs.
The idea is not about winning but confronting the conflict together.
2) Turn criticisms into simple expression of needs.
Many people resort to criticism as a means to communicate their needs or wants. It’s so prevalent that experts often assert that behind every criticism lies a wish.
We rely on expressing anger because it seems simpler than expressing emotions such as sadness, disappointment, or hurt. We believe that anger gives us a sense of control, but instead, it begets anger, causing defensiveness.
How do we break free from this pattern?
A useful approach is to practice turning your critical statements, laden with unexpressed needs, into straightforward expressions of those needs.
For instance, instead of saying
“Why do you never thank me?”, consider
“I support you a lot with the chores, and I’d love a thank you from you because your appreciation is important to me.”
Similarly, rather than saying
“You never invite me to meet your friends,” try rephrasing it as,
“I genuinely want to get to know your friends. I wish you arranged a social gathering together.”
When a colleague of mine frequently arrived late to our meetings, I initially used to say, “You’re always late.” Obviously, it didn’t work well. He didn’t take it too seriously. Why would he? After all, it was a critical statement. One day I approached him differently: “When you’re late, we have less time to collaborate, and it gives me the impression that you don’t value our meetings as much. They are important to me, and I hope that we both show up on time.”
This shift - a genuine expression of your wants, needs, and feelings, as well as the why of your need - opens the door for reflection and potential solutions. It demonstrates concern instead of anger and offensive action. What it also does is that it offers the other person a different perspective, fostering dialogue rather than defensiveness.
It’s this shift that has the power to move us from a reactive state to a reflective one, enabling us to pause, breathe, and become more intentional.
3) Let go of the need to be right.
We want to be right, and we want to label the other person wrong. But unfortunately, this fuels the escalation of conflicts. Insisting on our own way and refusing to listen or compromise generates a lot of frustration and tension.
While it may be easier to identify this "I'm right, you're wrong, end of discussion"mode in others, recognising it within ourselves is often more challenging. It’s okay to find ourselves in that mode from time to time and the key lies in noticing that it is indeed happening, acknowledging when we're falling into this pattern, and consciously returning to the present moment.
Verbalising our recognition of this mindset, “I’ve just noticed that I’m doing it,” and asking ourselves, “What could be more constructive right now?” or “How can I shift away from this mode?” can help.
In such moments, consider whether it’s more important for you to be right or to approach both the conflict and the other person with kindness. Is your priority to prove yourself right, or do you genuinely seek resolution and mutual understanding?
After all, if we operate solely from a place of self-centredness, how can we create space for the other person to feel accepted, heard, and authentic? It’s within that space where we can collaborate and address problems honestly and effectively.
Towards a healing partnership
Journalist Dorothy Thompson once said, “Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict -- alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.”
That’s exactly what we need to embody in relationships.
Any relationship is likely to remain stronger if parties learn to recover from a conflict, a disagreement or a setback, and they repair ruptures.
A strong relationship is built on a foundation of healing partnership.
This requires finding our way back into the relationships with the confidence that we’re still connected, perhaps even more deeply than before, and that we trust each other.
It means acknowledging that conflict is inevitable, and trusting that the relationship can withstand and even grow from it when it arises.