Part 2 of "Conflict and connection: two sides of the same coin"
If you haven’t read Part-1 of this series yet, please make sure you do so here. In the first part, I discussed the close relationship between conflict and connection and shared three essentials to improve the way we approach and handle conflicts in relationships.
Now, let’s build on that with two more tips aimed at easing tensions in our interactions and creating a lighter atmosphere.
1. Fire up your playfulness to navigate conflicts.
“Maturity consists in having rediscovered the seriousness one had as a child at play.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Ever caught yourself whistling yourself to a tune or lost in a daydream? How about singing in the shower, making silly faces at a baby, or teasing your friends?
The spirit of playfulness doesn’t fade away as we grow older; it merely evolves, taking on new forms and shapes. It’s not that we stop playing; it’s just that we might not realise we’re still playing or suppress that part of ours, thinking it’s too childish for grown-up selves, especially when we believe play has no role in serious conversations and during tough situations.
Our inner playfulness is still there. It awaits our reengagement.
I see play as an ally in resolving disagreements or conflicts within relationships. With a playful touch, you transform a situation or environment and make it more light-hearted. You not only soften the edges of the arguments but invite the two of you to share a smile.
Playfulness is like relationship yoga – it keeps things in our relationships flexible. Playful couples, colleagues, and friends who can laugh at their flaws and the absurdity of life are better able to navigate stressful situations together.
Being playful opens us up, broadens our perspectives, lightens our hearts, and makes us more engaged with each other. As we adopt a less self-centred, more receptive stance, we become better listeners. If you can find that sweet spot where you can gently tease or add a humorous twist to a complaint, you can transform a potentially explosive conversation into an opportunity understanding and connection.
And the best part: what once seemed like a major issue may suddenly appear trivial in comparison.
A caution though. Don’t mistake genuine playfulness with behaviours that deceive, hurt, offend, undermine, or ridicule others. True play should never undermine the significance of a discussion, belittle the feelings and opinions of others, or mask underlying issues. Play is a gift and a strength only when exercised with integrity.
Here are some suggestions before exercising playfulness in your relationships.
Visit your beliefs about playfulness.
What do you think playfulness entails? You might need to broaden your understanding of playfulness if you think it’s a bit limited. For instance, many people think it’s mere humour or making jokes. Playfulness is much more than that. It’s openness to surprise, it’s being adventurous and curious, it’s the ability to see things differently, to add creativity in daily tasks or relationships, and to reframe a situation in a way that sees possibilities. It can take different forms depending on your character and your relationships.
Communicate your intent.
Before incorporating (more) playfulness into your relationship, including conflict situations, discuss it with the other person. Both of you should feel safe and comfortable in this process. Remember that the purpose of play during arguments or disagreements should be connection and bonding, rather than forcing humour or trying to be funny.
Consider altering the environment.
Sometimes, all it takes to introduce more playfulness is changing up the environment. Why not have your next serious chat during a casual walk in the park or a coffee in your favourite cafe? Nature, movement, and the places that we like to spend time in can inspire a lighter mood.
2. Sprinkle some acknowledgement and appreciation into your conversations to soften the argument.
This one ranks among my favourites. Why? Because acknowledgment and appreciation can remarkably diffuse tension during a conflict. It might seem like a tall order in the middle of heated moments, but it’s undeniably effective.
How many times have you changed the direction of an argument (for better or worse) with your choice of words and how you say them? In the heat of a disagreement, it’s easy to opt for escalation through anger or defensiveness, but we hold the power to prevent such a rise from the outset.
Human beings crave acknowledgement; we all yearn to be heard and seen. We want to be understood rather than necessarily agreed with. When we consciously acknowledge the perspectives of others, we demonstrate genuine listening and care, meeting a fundamental human need.
Consider the impact of simple acknowledgement during a conversation,
“I get what you’re saying.”
“I see where you’re coming from.”
“I understand your point.”
These acknowledgements don't mean you're agreeing, giving up, or admitting defeat. Rather, they establish a safe space where both individuals feel respected and are more open to connection. This approach often leads to a softening in attitudes and a readiness to engage more constructively.
Here is another strategy that can alleviate tensions during conflicts: appreciation. It’s pretty much the close sibling of acknowledgement.
Recognising and expressing appreciation for the other person's efforts, words, deeds, kindness, or patience adds a layer of richness to any relationship, especially in times of disagreement. It’s easy to zero in on the negatives—thank our brain’s negativity bias for that—but intentionally seeking out what’s right fosters a less critical, more resolution-friendly atmosphere.
“Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”
“I appreciate that you agreed to discuss this.”
“I hadn’t realised I had acted like that. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.”
“I genuinely appreciated your update on the meeting the other day.”
Such expressions of appreciation can pivot a potential escalation towards an opportunity for mutual growth and understanding.
Appreciative remarks also signify conversational receptiveness. When we’re receptive in conversations, we show our willingness to engage with the other person’s views or feelings, which can make them more willing to engage with you and what you’re going to say, and more likely to view you positively. In essence, to appreciate is to be receptive.
Towards that healing partnership
As I highlighted in Part 1, the essence of our exploration is fostering a healing relationship. Remember, it’s not necessarily the existence of disagreements or conflicts that damages the relationships, but the inability to recover from them, repair the damage, and reconnect. Conflict and connection are, indeed, two sides of the same coin.