A guide to emotional openness
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
[…]
Rumi – The Guest House
"Why can’t I just rid myself of this sadness?" my friend said. "I can delete an unwanted photo or donate old clothes. It’d be so convenient if I could do the same with emotions."
She has a point. It’s tempting to think of our unwanted emotions as physical objects we longer find useful or desirable. The problem is, unlike physical objects, our inner experiences cannot be eliminated or overwritten in a healthy way.
Still, many of us find ourselves doing everything we can to control our unpleasant emotions. We suppress them, divert attention away from them, or even run away from them. It makes sense to want to move away from pain; after all, pain doesn’t feel good. Besides, such strategies can work in certain situations for some of us from time to time.
Those who ‘habitually’ or consistently control emotions, though, often end up experiencing them with even more intensity. It sounds quite paradoxical, but these attempts amplify the impact of unpleasant emotions on our well-being and perpetuate their hold over us.
I used to suffer from frequent, debilitating headaches, almost daily. Each time, I relied on painkillers to alleviate the pain to get through my day. My doctor pointed out the unhealthy cycle I was trapped in. While the painkillers provided temporary relief, they were masking the symptoms and maintained the problem – just like our efforts to control emotions don’t work in the long term.
The alternative response to such efforts is acceptance - simply noticing and acknowledging their presence, allowing them to unfold naturally.
As Rumi’s wisdom suggested, we can “welcome and entertain” all of our internal experiences, including the unpleasant emotions even though they are uninvited.
I’m aware that acceptance has become yet another buzzword, a trendy catchphrase, circulating within pop psychology circle to the point where its genuine meaning has been lost due to overuse and misinterpretation.
Despite all this noise, acceptance is still a powerful concept that can profoundly shape our daily lives. In a study by Ethan Kross and colleagues, participants were scanned using functional magnetic resonance imaging while recalling negative memories. They were then instructed to either a) simply feel their emotions, b) accept the emotions without attempting to control them, or c) analyse the causes of their feelings. Accepting emotions led to distinct patterns of brain activity compared to simply feeling or analysing emotions. The acceptance strategy resulted in less negative affect than the other strategies. Numerous other studies emphasise the role of emotional acceptance in promoting well-being and mental health.
To better understand acceptance, take a look at the root of the word "accept", which lies in the Latin word "capere," meaning "to take." Acceptance involves receiving or taking what is offered without resistance. It's about willingly adopting an open and flexible posture towards our emotions, whether it's a pinch of sadness, physical discomfort, or a moment of fear. That’s why “willingness to experience” is sometimes used interchangeably with acceptance.
Imagine emotional acceptance as similar to opening the windows in your house on a brisk morning. Despite the initial discomfort of the cold air rushing in, allowing light and fresh air can ultimately restore the space. Similarly, embracing our emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, can lead to greater clarity and inner peace.
Acceptance involves recognizing our emotional responses as natural, even when they're uncomfortable. It might sound like acceptance is some form of passivity, but on the contrary, it’s an active process. Consider having a difficult conversation with a teammate. Despite feeling anxious and uncomfortable, you recognize its importance and choose to engage in it, open to whatever emotions arise. In this sense, acceptance is not resignation or giving up; it's a willingness to engage fully with what is.
Acceptance of emotions is simply feeling what is there to be felt.
Strategies to practice accepting emotions
Developing an open attitude toward our emotions is best learned through experiential therapy, but it’s not the only avenue. Making certain changes in how we engage with our sensations and feelings can be transformative if we approach it as an ongoing practice rather than a one-time effort. However, if you're dealing with trauma and aiming to navigate the emotions tied to it, consider seeking help from a professional. For those with traumatic backgrounds, attempting acceptance practices without guidance can potentially intensify distress rather than alleviate it.
Start with low intensity emotions.
Practicing acceptance with highly challenging emotions isn't easy, and in some cases, it might not even be the most suitable approach. Instead, start by embracing a more open mindset with emotions of lower intensity, such as daily sadness, worry, or frustration. Research even suggests that acceptance may be more effective in situations where the emotional intensity is lower.
Remember that acceptance is not tolerance.
Acceptance differs from mere tolerance. While tolerance implies enduring a negative experience until a better one arises, acceptance, or willingness, involves allowing the experience to be without anticipating or expecting something better. Remind yourself this difference from time to time.
Liking or wanting is not a prerequisite for acceptance.
To create some space for becoming more accepting of emotions, remind yourself the following:
-You don’t need to like an emotion to accept it.
-You can be annoyed by an emotion and still accept it.
Here are a few strategies for those who would like to practice acceptance of emotions.
1. Utilise a powerful metaphor.
Picture yourself at a playground with your child. While children play, engaging in all sorts of noisy activities like loud conversations, yelling, and singing, it's impossible to escape the distraction and even annoyance. However, if you allow yourself to become consumed by the noise, you'd miss out on connecting with other parents. After all, playgrounds are inherently noisy environments. So, you choose to hear the noise in the background while having a conversation with others.
Can you apply this analogy to your emotions? Just as you choose not to be consumed by the noise in the playground, you can approach your emotions in a similar manner. While the noise of emotions might not always be pleasant, you can still acknowledge them without letting them control you. Instead, remain open to experiencing them, recognizing their presence but not allowing them to derail your purpose.
Metaphors like this can serve as valuable tools in practicing emotional acceptance.
2. Use prompts.
I find prompts helpful in approaching my emotions with less judgment and more acceptance. I recommend that you find prompts that resonate with you personally, as their effectiveness can vary from person to person.
Here are some examples:
Welcome your emotion as you would welcome a loved one.
Appreciate it as you might appreciate a beautiful painting.
Hold it gently as you would hold a baby.
Observe it as you would watch a sunset.
Look at it tenderly as you would gaze at a delicate flower.
You could even playfully invite your emotions as guests into your house, echoing Rumi’s suggestion.
3. Put all your emotions into the same cup.
Some emotions are, indeed, more difficult or unpleasant, but they are not inherently bad. So, instead of sorting your emotions as good or bad, perceive them as companions that can co-exist. It’s possible to feel sad and hopeful, joyful and guilty, or angry and grateful at the same time. one does not undo the other.
Even adjusting your language can create a different narrative and help you develop a less rigid attitude toward emotions. For example, instead of bad or negative, try referring them as difficult or unpleasant. Judgment increases both the intensity of our feeling and the amount of time we are affected by them.
4. Inject humour into your vulnerabilities.
Approaching our flaws and our mistakes with flexibility, humour, and kindness can not only help us cope with them better but also learn to be more accepting of our unpleasant emotions. Acknowledging them as natural aspects of being human enables us to navigate them with greater ease.
Learning to feel better
Many people who choose to have a more accepting attitude toward emotions experience a sense of liberation. Acceptance provides them with the space to prioritise what matters most to them and respond more intentionally. Struggling with emotions, on the other hand, tends to keep them stagnant, drains energy, and fosters automatic reactions. Acceptance or willingness to experience is a practice we do to live a rich, fulfilling life, as many of life’s most meaningful experiences come with discomfort.
The goal is to open yourself to the vitality of each moment and to move more effectively toward what you value. The aim of willingness to accept is to experience all the feelings that arise within you, which will allow you to live your life more fully.
Essentially, rather than striving to feel better, willingness involves learning how to feel better.
Note: In this post, when I speak of acceptance, I'm not referring to acceptance of circumstances or events, but rather, accepting our emotions. Acceptance of aversive or harmful situations or circumstances that we have the power to change is not healthy. The acceptance process I’m referring to is a posture and way of responding to our emotions.