When personalities collide
I’ve just revisited the TV series “The Mentalist,” and it’s reminded me of how personality differences can be both a curse and a blessing in relationships.
Patrick Jane, the charming mentalist, joins forces with Theresa Lisbon, the by-the-book detective. Jane, a master manipulator, is known for his tendency to bend the rules and employ unorthodox methods to achieve his goals. In contrast, Lisbon is portrayed as pragmatic and ethical, adhering to the rules even in the face of Jane's antics. Their differing personalities create a fierce yet compelling dynamic that unfolds in nearly every episode.
Jane and Lisbon aren't just characters on a screen; they represent a microcosm of the real-world conflicts we all experience in our daily lives. I admit that Jane’s character is little exaggerated, but we all have seen our fair share of disputes stemming from personality differences, whether at the workplace, inside the family or with friends.
Imagine a colleague who finds joy in chaos, whereas you like structure, a relative who dances around the issue until you’re left confused while you prefer a straightforward communication, or a friend who nods along to everything, whereas you stand firm in your opinions.
While no personality trait excuses harmful behaviour, we shouldn’t confuse personality differences with intentional rudeness or manipulation. Just because two people find each other’s behaviours and habits irritating doesn’t mean one of them is a jerk. With mutual respect and shared goals, it’s possible to navigate these differences. Even Jane and Lisbon, with all their disparities, managed to harness their dynamic to enrich their partnership and friendship.
The perils of simplistic views of personality
It's easy to fall into the trap of labelling those around us. Blaming others for their inherent traits – like preferring solitude or enjoying spontaneous plans - is not only pointless but also unfair. Still, many of us find ourselves viewing these natural variations as defects, overlooking the importance of diversity of traits, perspectives, and mindsets that make each of us unique.
Unfortunately, when it comes to personality, the spotlight is too often on differences rather than similarities, assigning blame rather than seeking understanding, labelling rather than observing, and tolerating rather than accepting.
One contributing factor to this tendency is the pervasive influence of pop psychology. Take, for instance, the modern fascination with simplistic personality tests such as Myers-Briggs. These tests are appealing because they seem to offer us insights into our identities, but they also risk deepening divides as they paint conflicts in polarised and simplistic terms.
Consider a workplace workshop where, based on their test scores, participants wear name tags labelled with traits like "analytical" or "emotive" or “needy” (this is my made-up one). People feel a sense of belonging and sometimes even pride with these labels. But what many disregard is that such tags encourage snap judgments, often leading to biased assumptions based on incomplete information.
Labels can turn personal traits into weapons. In conflicts, it's too tempting to dismiss others with a simple “Oh, you’re always the rational one, devoid of emotions,” or “Well, you’re the feeling type, what else can we expect?” Such behaviours not only undermine interpersonal relationships but also promotes a culture of misunderstanding and prejudice.
Personality isn't a black-and-white concept; it exists on a spectrum, with most people falling somewhere in the middle across different traits. For example, few people find themselves at the extreme ends of the conscientiousness scale—either extremely high or low in conscientiousness. While many people, myself included, score high on this trait, they don't reside at the extremes; they display conscientious behaviour most of the time, but there are moments when they falter.
There is nothing wrong describing ourselves in terms of our roles, dispositions, and attributes. Personality is, undeniably real, with biological underpinnings. Problems arise when we pigeonhole ourselves and others into stereotypes, becoming overly attached to these definitions. This tendency can lead to a narrow-minded approach that prevents personal growth and inhibits our ability to see the full potential in ourselves and others.
Besides, while genetics may predispose us to favour particular strategies to navigate life, humans are remarkably adaptable beings. Despite the relative stability of personality, it's not set in stone. Traits can evolve over time through various factors such as training, age, interventions, life events, and experiences. Embracing this fluidity can inspire us to remain open to the possibility of growth and change in ourselves and those around us.
8 strategies for navigating personality differences
Undoubtedly, personality differences can fuel conflicts in our relationships of all kinds, but do they have to lead to all-out wars, polarisation, blame, or stereotypes?
Despite their contrasting styles, Jane and Lisbon found ways to work together effectively. Trust me, as much as differences can be sources of disagreements, it’s these differences that hold the potential for growth, innovation, and enrichment. Diversity in thought, perspective, and approach is the bedrock of creativity and innovation.
Employing seemingly simple strategies can yield remarkable results in learning to work with differences and even turning some battlegrounds into playgrounds.
Here are a few of my favourites:
1. Switch communication channels.
Do conflicts tend to arise more frequently in certain contexts (like emails or during meetings? Then switching gears to a more direct communication channel. For example, in my business interactions, if email exchanges lead to misunderstandings, I suggest a quick phone call or a face-to-face meeting to resolve issues more effectively.
2. Be playful.
Much like Patrick Jane in The Mentalist, who injected humour into his interactions to diffuse tension and collaborate more easily, incorporating playfulness can help create a better atmosphere for navigating personality differences. Playing is not more than making a joke or being funny; it’s the ability to see things differently, laugh at our flaws, reframe a situation in a way that sees possibilities, and be curious.
3. Create distance.
When certain people’s traits are in conflict with your own, consider minimising your interactions with them. This doesn't mean ghosting someone but setting boundaries. Sometimes maintaining minimal interaction can feel like a breathing room. When Jane's unorthodox methods clashed with Lisbon's by-the-book approach, she occasionally gave him space to pursue his leads independently, which also helped her mitigate unnecessary irritations.
4. Shift the focus from contrasting to connecting.
Instead of dwelling on differences, make a conscious effort to focus on shared values and common goals. By reframing conflicts as opportunities for deeper understanding and cooperation, you can bridge divides and strengthen relationships. Despite their differing approaches, Jane and Lisbon often found common ground in their shared commitment to justice, solving cases, and helping others.
5. Find and appreciate strengths
We won't necessarily get along with everyone, and we may find ourselves irritated by the actions of some individuals around us. However, we can still appreciate the things they bring to the table. Amidst the frustration, there are often positive qualities worth acknowledging and appreciating. Maybe they can charm customers, code fast, provide support when asked for, or be funny in social encounters. Think about what their positive contribution to the work they do, to the people around them, or to the world can be, and the things they do right.
6. Adopt a bird’s-eye view.
It's challenging to recognise the impact of our behaviour on others or consider alternative explanations for their actions when we're deeply entrenched in a situation. Taking a step back can give us the space to have a broader perspective. Imagine viewing the scenario from a bird's-eye view. Trust me, when you look at things from the top of a mountain, you can discover new solutions and alternative explanations and realise that things aren’t as catastrophic as they seem.
7. Cultivate forward-thinking.
Personality differences have the power to keep us stuck in the things that happened in the past. A future focus can help us shift gears and focus on the road ahead: “What can we do to take this forward?” “What’s the next thing we can do?” “What support do we need to move forward?” instead of “Why did you…?” There were many occasions when Lisbon found herself irritated by Jane’s actions. However, by reminding herself of their shared purpose, she managed to move past the irritation and concentrate on how they could pursue their objectives together.
8. Look inward.
It's easy to point fingers when conflicts arise, but we often overlook our own role in the discord. Just because our personality feels right to us doesn't exempt us from contributing to the problem; we’re part of the conflict or disagreement, too. Perhaps our insecurities, past wounds, fears, and biases are clouding our judgment. I know it can be uncomfortable, but engaging in deliberate self-reflection to understand how our behaviours affect others can provide valuable insights.
Diversity - the spice of relationships
If there are people you feel you can't maintain a relationship with, you have every right to consider ending that relationship. However, I also believe that if we only surrounded ourselves with those who are like us, our network would be limited, and life could become dull.
That's why it's worthwhile to find ways to enhance relationships with a variety of people, even though their actions might be annoying us.
Getting on with others isn’t the same as agreeing with everything they say or do or putting a smile on your face all the time. Nor does it mean merely being nice. In fact, too much niceness can get in the way of relationships.
It’s about genuinely valuing what makes us unique and a desire to understand others’ perspectives. More importantly, it means actively managing our own attitudes and behaviours to navigate the differences effectively. To achieve that, resist the urge to label and don’t skip the last strategy above: look inward and enjoy the discomfort of introspection.