The courage to share in a romantic relationship
And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.
- Anais Nin
Recently, while both working and enjoying a cup of coffee at a café, I couldn’t help but overhear a couple's conversation. I didn't catch the entire discussion, but one line stood out: "Tell me one thing you always wanted me to do differently but you have never mentioned." The partner's face showed surprise and then softened, “Nothing. I mean, I wasn’t expecting this. Let me think.”
This simple exchange really resonated with me. A seemingly ordinary moment turned into a profound display of vulnerability for both. Inspired by this, here I am.
There’s a lot of advice out there about voicing our own needs in relationships, but what about making sure our partners feel just as comfortable sharing theirs? Being heard is something we all crave, but ensuring both partners can share comfortably is equally important, especially if one has difficulty being vulnerable.
I’ve come across this interesting research showing that the activity in neural and cognitive mechanisms during self-disclosure is like the activity obtained by rewards such as food and sex. That is, disclosing information, including feelings and needs, can be quite rewarding.
But sharing feelings, fears, and needs requires a level of trust and safety that doesn't come easily. We've all been there: wanting to express something important but fearing judgment, rejection, or misunderstanding. This fear leads to avoiding difficult conversations, which in turn can result in frustration, resentment, and a sense of disconnection.
The best way to foster vulnerability is to be vulnerable together, combining curiosity, boldness, and playfulness. It's not about eliminating discomfort entirely. It's about creating an atmosphere of trust and openness where both partners feel heard and valued. Even tough conversations should be navigated with respect and love.
As evidenced by research, when both partners mutually disclose to each other, relationships flourish: closeness, satisfaction, and trust increase, and partners enjoy their interactions more.
Asking thoughtful questions and following them with intentional listening and genuine curiosity can be great ways to invite your partner to share. I’m a big fan of such questions for deepening intimacy and understanding within a relationship.
How to safely invite your partner for self-disclosure.
Here are some examples inspired by the café moment to inspire you. Tailor them to fit your relationship dynamic or find your own.
“When was the last time I got on your nerves?”
This might sound risky, and it does feel uncomfortable, but asking about annoyances can actually be quite liberating. It shows you're not only open to hearing feedback but actively seeking it. By inviting your partner to voice their annoyances, you show a willingness to understand their perspective and improve. At the same time, the question is inviting your partner to share their needs.
"Sometimes, I worry about us losing our spark. Do you have any fears like that?"
Sharing a common fear can be incredibly bonding. It reassures your partner that they’re not alone in their worries and opens the door for a heartfelt discussion about your relationship's future. It’s a reminder that concerns about drifting apart are normal.
"I feel really close to you when you touch my face gently. What makes you feel close to me?"
This one not only expresses a personal feeling but also invites your partner to share what makes them feel connected. You’re opening a part of your emotional world and inviting your partner to do the same, which increases intimacy.
“How do you feel when we disagree on something?”
Understanding your partner's feelings during conflicts can transform the way you handle disagreements. This question shows that you care about their feelings even in the heat of an argument. It opens doors for more constructive discussions.
“When do you feel most supported by me?”
This question helps you pinpoint the actions and words that make your partner feel cherished and supported. By understanding what makes them feel secure and valued, you can make a conscious effort to provide that support, strengthening your relationship's foundation.
“Is there something you’ve always wanted to try together but haven’t mentioned?”
Encouraging your partner to share experiences they want to have with you can be exciting and bonding. It demonstrates your willingness to explore new things together and make shared memories, enhancing your connection.
“Is there a way I can show my love for you that I might not have thought of?”
Love languages can vary greatly, and this question helps you discover new ways to express your affection. It shows that you’re open to learning and adapting to better meet your partner’s emotional needs.
Reflect on your own experiences.
Before you act, it might be worth taking some time to reflect on your relationship and think about how you can create a safer space for vulnerability. Here are some questions you can reflect on:
When was the last time I asked my partner about their feelings or needs without much judgment?
How comfortable do I feel being vulnerable with my partner? How comfortable does my partner feel?
How do I usually react when my partner shares something difficult or uncomfortable? How could I improve my response?
In what ways do I actively listen to my partner?
How do I show support during disagreements?
What are some creative ways I can encourage my partner to share their thoughts and feelings?
Think of vulnerability as a bridge between you and your partner. It may be daunting to step onto that bridge, but it’s a must to truly meet in the middle.
But remember that creating a safe space for vulnerability isn’t about finding the perfect words or questions; it’s about being willing to dive into those awkward or challenging conversations, knowing that they hold the potential to strengthen your relationship in unexpected ways.