Why your colleagues can't read your minds
Back in 2015, fresh from a painful breakup, I was about to deliver a speech to a large audience. Overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion, I felt completely drained. I had extensive public speaking experience, but this time felt different. I was convinced my poker face couldn't hide the pain inside me, certain that my sorrow was written all over my face.
After the speech, several colleagues, students, and strangers approached me to discuss my talk. To my surprise, they had no idea I was suffering. My deep, inner feelings were not as evident as I had imagined. I even checked with a close colleague, and she said I looked confident and relaxed. Apparently, my feelings were obvious to me, but not to others.
Despite my years in the field of psychology for years, I wasn't aware of the phenomenon called the illusion of transparency at the time. It wasn't until the following year, while reading a book, that I discovered this specific bias. It turns out I wasn’t alone in overestimating how transparent my internal states were to others.
This made me wonder about the countless opportunities I might have missed to share my inner thoughts or feelings, simply because I assumed they were obvious to everyone. I also reflected on how often I got upset with others for not noticing my emotions, when in reality, they couldn't read my mind.
I was recently reminded of this bias when a colleague apologised for always looking anxious. I had never noticed his anxiety; to me, he seemed neutral. He thought his anxiousness was evident because he felt it so deeply, assuming others would see it too.
It makes sense. Our feelings and physical sensations seem so real to us that we think our reality must be everyone else's reality. We have difficulty understanding that their perspective can be different.
So, if asked, “How was the dinner with the new client?” and you respond, “Yeah, that was great,” thinking your body language will convey your dissatisfaction, think again. The illusion of transparency might be sabotaging your self-perception, making you believe your internal states are an open book to everyone around you.
I’ve witnessed how this bias thrives in workplaces. We silently expect our colleagues to notice our thoughts and feelings without us having to articulate them, relying instead on a few facial expressions. We assume our silence will clearly convey our disappointment, or that a slight frown will express our frustration, but often, it doesn’t.
Managers are not immune. For example, a research study by Michael Schaerer and colleagues showed that managers overestimate how accurately employees perceive their feedback, and therefore communicate negative feedback ineffectively.
Assuming that we reveal all of our internal states easily causes us a lot of trouble. It prevents us from expressing ourselves fully, perpetuating a cycle of miscommunication. We become upset when we realise that others didn’t notice our sadness or confusion, leading us to assume they have bad intentions. We expect others to read our minds and effortlessly figure out how we’re feeling or what our thoughts are. But unlike the Marvel Universe, we live in a world where there are no telepaths.
You might think this phenomenon only affects interactions with acquaintances or strangers. Interestingly, it doesn’t. The illusion of transparency doesn’t vanish just because you know someone well. You might recall times when a close friend, romantic partner, or family member failed to pick up on your feelings. Moments when you thought they saw your frustration, but they didn’t, or when you were sad, and they didn’t do anything to comfort you. Similarly, just because your colleague or boss knows you well doesn’t mean they will see right through you.
You’ve got many options to tackle this bias.
By simply being aware of the illusion of transparency, you can prevent many misunderstandings and frustrations in the workplace. Referring back to the study by Schaerer and colleagues on managers' negative feedback, their findings also showed that educating managers about the possibility that their feedback might not be as transparent as they thought helped reduce this bias.
Awareness of the bias does help but there are additional, effective steps to address the illusion of transparency. Here are some actionable strategies:
1. Do reality-testing; don’t just assume others get you.
Whenever you catch yourself thinking, “They should know how I feel/think,” pause and reconsider. Ask yourself: Have I communicated this explicitly? How can I articulate what I think more clearly? How can I help them understand how I feel about this?
Suppose you feel undervalued because your contributions aren’t being acknowledged. Instead of assuming your manager is aware of your feelings, ask yourself if you have ever expressed this directly. Maybe a conversation like, “I’d like to discuss how my contributions are recognised within the team,” can open up a dialogue that clears up any misunderstandings.
2. Try being more direct in your communication.
Practice being more direct in your communication. Instead of hinting at dissatisfaction or relying on non-verbal cues, express your concerns and expectations openly.
For example, instead of saying, “I’m not sure this will work,” which can be vague, try saying omelike like, “I’m concerned that the current plan doesn’t address X, Y, and Z.” This specific feedback is more likely to lead to a constructive discussion and effective problem-solving because there is less room for misinterpretation and you’re not expecting others to read your thoughts.
3. If you’re not sure what others might be feeling or thinking, just ask.
This principle works both ways. Your assumptions about others' thoughts and feelings might be incorrect. For instance, a colleague might seem relaxed but could be hiding stress or dissatisfaction. Double-checking and confirming your assumptions can prevent miscommunication.
If you notice a usually energetic colleague being unusually quiet, instead of assuming they are upset or disengaged, simply ask, “I’ve noticed you seem a bit quiet today. Is everything okay?” This might open up a line of communication and shows that you care about their well-being.
4. Be even more explicit in written communication.
When you hear somebody speaking, you receive more information about their story than when you read the same story by email. Talking provides paralinguistic cues such as gesture, inflection, pronunciation, vocal expression, fluency, and tone, which are not available in written communication. Therefore, it is harder to properly convey a written message, and the effects of the illusion of transparency can make this even more difficult without you realising it.
When sending emails or instant messages, be more explicit in conveying your perspective, feelings, or the main points you are trying to communicate. For instance, instead of, "I need this report soon," you could be more specific and say, "Can you please send the report by Friday at 5pm? It’s crucial for our meeting on Monday."
Additionally, when expressing emotions or tone, be clear to avoid misunderstandings. Instead of a vague statement like, "I was disappointed with the results," you might say, "I was disappointed with the results because I know we are capable of doing better, and I want us to succeed in future projects."
5. Take others’ perspective.
Visualising a situation from another person’s perspective can help you understand how others might interpret your body language or words. Perspective-taking challenges your assumptions and encourages empathy.
For example, imagine you are a manager giving feedback to an employee. You intend to provide constructive criticism to help them improve, but from the employee's perspective, your feedback might come across as overly harsh or critical. By taking their perspective, you can adjust your approach to ensure your message is received as intended. Instead of saying, "Your reports are always late," you might rephrase it to, "I've noticed that you've been having trouble meeting the report deadlines. Is there something we can do to help you manage the workload better?"
6. Encourage a feedback loop in your interactions.
After discussing a topic, ask the other person to summarise their understanding of what was said. This ensures that your message was received as intended and provides an opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings.
For example, after outlining a new project strategy, you might say, “Could you please summarise your understanding of our plan moving forward? I’d like to make sure I’ve communicated clearly.” This not only confirms that your message was clear but also helps identify any areas of confusion or misinterpretation immediately.
7. Regularly check in with colleagues.
Make it a habit to regularly check in with your colleagues or subordinates to see how they are actually doing. Some people might assume that their feelings and problems are transparent even though they’re saying that they’re fine, and therefore expect others to follow-up. This can lead to unaddressed issues and decreased morale.
Ask open-ended questions like, “How have you been feeling about your workload recently?” or “Is there anything you need support with?” or “You said you’re fine, but I just wanted to understand more about how you have been doing lately.” By creating an environment where open communication is encouraged, you can help uncover and address issues before they escalate.