Saying no takes courage, but it’s worth it

I have a confession to make. I’ve been enjoying saying no.

I’ve been turning down requests to participate in new projects, saying no thanks to invitations to speak, and declining demands on my time across the board. I’ve even been eliminating commitments I’ve already made.

I call this a confession because saying no can feel like a sin.

Even though I know saying no will help my productivity, performance, and emotional wellbeing, I can’t help but feel guilty anyway.

After all, we’re encouraged to add things to our plates, not remove. To take on more, to fill our schedules, to be busy all the time. Turning down an opportunity is frowned upon. And to be nice to people you mustn’t let them down and reject their requests.

For years, I thought I was being productive and generous with my time. Only recently I did realise the more I commit to things that are non-essential, the higher the long-term cost.

When we overcommit, we perform poorly even in tasks where we usually excel. We miss out on opportunities where we could invest our time and energy. And while we think we’ll disappoint the people we’d rather say no to, we really make things worse by saying yes and going on to resent them.

To avoid this, you need to learn to say no to a task or a project in the first place or eliminate the trivial commitments you already made.

In this post I’ll focus on the first and share how you can say no to requests the right way, without damaging your relationships. 

Success isn’t about getting more things done.

Think about how often you said yes to a request and then found yourself scratching your head and wondering why you even committed to it in the first place.

I did that many times in my life. I took on tasks that had nothing to do with my personal or career goals. I committed to projects I didn’t even want, or need, to do.

Don’t get me wrong. Some tasks, activities, and projects added value to my life. They still do. Some helped me feel good because I enjoyed them. But many were trivial and far from essential.

While there’s no limit to what people can request of you, as humans, we have limits. Our energy, time, and focus are all limited. It makes more sense to reserve your yes for what’s really important: tasks that get you where you want to go. 

But this seems obvious. So why is it so hard to say no?

One reason is our fear of negative evaluation. We fear we’ll disappoint people or that they won’t like us anymore. We fear they’ll reject us or think we’re unkind or rude.

But guess what? We overestimate the likelihood others will be disappointed when we decline a request.

This isn’t just me saying it. It’s years of personal and professional experiences with my clients.

In fact, people respect us more when we set healthy boundaries and offer clarity around what we care about, what we value, and how we manage our time.

Remember: the request is not the same as your relationship with the person. You’re only declining a request, not a person. 

You might think that saying no sounds abrupt, like, “No, I can’t do that.” But it doesn’t have to be. You can decline a request politely.

“It’s really nice of you to ask. It’s a great opportunity. Unfortunately, at the moment I already have too many projects on my plate, and I can’t commit to this. Please do keep me in mind in the future.”
The idea is to be kind, but also clear and firm. Trust me, you don’t want to be vague. It’s neither good for you nor the other person.

Also remember you don’t have to respond to a request immediately. In fact, I suggest you make a personal assessment first. It’d be worse if you missed an opportunity that was more valuable than the tasks on your plate.

For example, I’ve mentored hundreds of young people throughout my career. But I only have so much time and energy to work with individuals. As much as I’d want to, If I said yes to ten requests at once, I wouldn’t be able to help them anyway.

So, before I commit to a request, I pause and see whether I can take it on. If I decide it’s not possible to take on more mentees, I say something like: “I love helping people like you, and I’m flattered you reached out to me. Right now, I’m overcommitted. I will let you know once I clear some of my current commitments and have the time and space to talk to you. If you haven’t heard from me in 4 months, please feel free to reach out again”

Before you commit, I also recommend giving yourself some space to ask thoughtful questions to get more information about why you’re asked what you’re asked, what it entails, how urgent it is, and how important or essential it is for you and the other person.

In my case when I receive a request for a talk, a research project, or coaching, I might discuss it with my team or assistant to evaluate before giving an answer.

Once you do this personal assessment regularly, you’ll notice that most requests are either not urgent or you’re not the right person for it.

Now this approach may work fine for a peer, a friend, or someone you don’t know. But what about for your boss? That can be more difficult.

In these cases, instead of saying no, think about how you can uncommit to other things in your schedule.

Can you change your priorities to accommodate this request from your line manager? Take the opportunity to discuss how you’re overcommitted due to tasks you were assigned before. “I can create time for this if we can agree to deprioritise this other (task).”

While saying no might feel uncomfortable, think about how uncomfortable it’ll be when you commit to something that is unnecessary and you start resenting the person. Think about the short and long-term consequences before you say yes. There might be some gain today but what about the cost of your yes tomorrow?

And remember, you might want to do a lot of things because you want to be successful, but success isn’t about getting more things done; it’s about getting the right things done. Things that take us where we want to go, things that are meaningful.

One last thing: don’t say no to everything. Say no to the things that are not essential, the things that are not vital.

If giving one more talk in an organisation isn’t the best use of my time and energy, even if it’s well-paid, I don’t commit to it. But if contributing to a popular work-life magazine with an article adds value to what I’m doing in terms of audience generation, or messaging, or personal values, I’ll say yes. If I can make room on my calendar to mentor a young person, one of the things I really care about, I’ll take it on.

You can learn when to say no when you’re clear about what is meaningful for you, and what your values and goals are. That’s how you’ll get better at using your time and energy on things that add value to your life.

It definitely takes courage, but it’s worth it.

Down the line I’ll talk about the other half of the equation: decluttering your agenda and getting out of trivial commitments.