Why the famous “avoid stress” advice is useless
Recently, I accompanied a friend of mine to a doctor because she has been experiencing some health issues. During our second visit, after completing some tests, the doctor prescribed medication and concluded with the same old, well-intentioned advice: "You should avoid stress!"
I thought that advice had become dated, but apparently, it hasn't.
Many of us, including professionals, love this advice.
But if avoiding stress were possible, we’d be literally running around because stressors are almost everywhere. Perhaps we wouldn’t be talking to people at work, we’d be putting off tasks, and even avoiding our kids (imaging that!).
Besides, to prevent physical and mental problems and to live a healthy, fulfilling life, we need much more than dealing with stress. I’d like to imagine people perceiving their wellbeing as something bigger than lack of or management of problems.
That’s why, to me, it’s useless and abstract advice that is not actionable. Let me explain.
Lack of effective resources and tools is the problem, not stress might itself.
Acute stress, in moderation, can be good for our body and performance, but only if that acute stress is short and functional in the given situation.
For instance, if you’re working towards a deadline, the stress of the approaching deadline might help you fully focus and create excellent work. That stress can even give you joy and contentment.
But if you’re consistently under pressure at work, juggling several deadlines and a heavy workload, that kind of stress is prolonged exposure, and trust me, you don’t want that.
Donald Tubesing says, “ Stress is like spice – in the right proportion it enhances the flavor of a dish. Too little produces a bland, dull meal; too much may choke you.”
So, instead of blaming stress, which is the normal response that we give to ‘stressors’, we should focus on the things we can directly influence - such as the skills or tools to deal with acute stress in real time.
There is no stress-free life (or stressor-free, I should say). Life will throw things at us. We can’t control all stressors or eliminate them, but we can have a higher capacity to navigate them.
Stress avoidance or even stress-management are not sufficient for a healthy body and mind.
Let’s assume that you have learned effective ways to deal with both acute and chronic stress. Is that enough to improve our physical and mental health?
It’s certainly a good start, but it might be the bear minimum.
There is more to a healthier and happier life than stress management or eliminating the unnecessary stressors. General wellbeing, including both physical and psychological, is like looking after a garden. It’s not only about getting rid of the weed, but also planting the seeds for flowers. It’s about nurturing the soil.
That’s why we can do much better than that paradoxical advice “avoid stress”.
Beyond stress management lies a fulfilling life, where we engage in activities that evoke pleasant emotions like joy, trust, gratitude, peace, hope, and enthusiasm. It's a life where we connect meaningfully with others, contribute to their lives, maintain a sense of autonomy and competence, live in alignment with our values, and possess the ability to take perspective in difficult times, adapting flexibly to various situations.
Stress as a companion
I’ve learned to perceive stress as a companion. It’s a complex relationship, though, – just like real-life human to human relationship - that needs mutual understanding and nurturing.
There are times I ask for help from stress. For example, I know that if I take on challenging tasks, I do stress out a little bit, but that stress gives me more focus and energy to achieve what I’m trying to achieve.
I’ve also learned where to put a break. If I let that stress overtake me, if I create more stress by taking on more and more challenges without any recovery breaks, then I’m likely to collapse.
That’s why the advice narrative around stress will be more actionable if it emphasises the fact that we need to have the capacity and resources to alleviate stress before a new one arises.
Now, for that, we need the skills to combat stress in real time. For example, how do you calm your mind and body when you’re about to give a presentation that is stressing you out a lot or when your loved one is in a lot of pain? I’m not talking about numbing yourself and shutting your emotions down. This is about calming yourself a little bit in the face of a stressor so that you have the necessary space to do what you’re supposed to do without being overwhelmed.
One of the most effective ways to achieve that is to slow down and pause. It’s easier said than done, but you can do that by slowing your heartbeat and activating your parasympathetic nervous system which is designed to calm your body and mind. When your inhales are slower than your exhales (when you deliberately try to have a few long exhales), you calm your body and mind down in the moment.
Telling yourself to calm down, thinking of a positive thought, or trying to meditate when you’re confronted with a stressor won’t work in that moment.
For chronic stress, a more comprehensive approach is needed.
Having a social support system and connecting with trusted ones is crucial. Others include developing an awareness of stressors, fostering flexibility in handling emotions and thoughts, increasing pleasurable and meaningful moments in life, and leveraging on some psychological strengths such as optimism, gratitude, kindness, and resilience.
Of course, physical exercise, healthy diet, quality sleep, and exposure to sunlight are all fundamental in stress management, too.
I’ll write more about stress management, addressing both short- and long-term aspects, in upcoming posts.
Beyond avoiding stress
The main point I wanted to emphasise today is how changing the narrative around stress and altering our perception of a fulfilling, happy, and healthy life can benefit both professionals, such as physicians, teachers, and mental health professionals, and individuals like you and me.
If offering advice on stress either to yourself or others, consider encouraging yourself ot people to understand stress better and learn effective ways to deal with both acute and chronic stress, rather than repeating the same unhelpful advice: avoid stress.
I’m not asking anyone to replace ‘avoid stress’ with the long and somewhat nerdy explanations in this post (imagine that!), but at least we can promote the idea of finding the right tools and resources to manage stressors, preventing chronic stress by addressing momentary stressors in real-time, and investing in different aspects of well-being to go beyond stress avoidance - and even management.