Why your attempts at taking care of your mental wellbeing might fall short
In my interactions with my readers, workshop attendees, friends, and clients, one question emerges more frequently than any other lately:
“How do I establish a mental health routine for myself and truly prioritise my emotional wellbeing?”
That’s a difficult question to answer due to several reasons such as individual differences and access to resources.
I’d still like to share some insights on this topic, but fair warning: this isn't your typical guide advocating for meditation, walks in the park, emotional expression, self-compassion, or boundary setting. Those are valuable suggestions, but you've likely heard those them countless times.
I’ll dive deeper and go beyond the usual suspects. Whether your mental health routine involves steering clear of toxic relationships, attending therapy, practicing breathing exercises, cultivating gratitude, or simply improving your diet, it’s worth considering the fundamentals, which are usually overlooked.
Get ready to uncover why your attempts at taking care of your mental wellbeing might not only fall short but could potentially backfire at times.
The pitfall of digging deeper
When I hear people share their stories about how their efforts fail to alleviate their anxiety, cope with stress, overcome burnout, or simply improve their wellbeing, I'm reminded of the "Person in the Hole" metaphor.
Picture yourself blindfolded, given a bag of tools, and instructed to run through a vast field. There are large holes across the landscape, and inevitably, you stumble into one. It's not your fault; you were blindfolded. Desperate to escape, you open your bag and discover a shovel. So, you start to dig. But digging only deepens the hole. You try different approaches, but nothing helps. Even if you could trace every step that led you into the hole, it wouldn't aid you. So, you dig faster, slower, but you remain trapped.
The frustrations and futility of many either trying to find ways to deal with their problems or simply improve their wellbeing are similar to digging that hole. The issue isn't a lack of effort. You try many strategies: distraction, meditation, therapy, positive thinking, or gratitude. But you find yourself unchanged or even more exhausted or distressed in this cycle of unfulfilling remedies. The truth is, continued digging only deepens the hole. I’ll use another metaphor here, but metaphors do help: it’s like trying to fix a leaky boat with a spaghetti strainer – no matter how hard you try, the water keeps pouring in.
At times, breaking free from this cycle may require a pause to step back and create space for reflection and intentional action. If you find yourself stuck in the same old rut, it's possible that the issue lies not with the tactics themselves, but rather with your intentions, approach, mindset, and underlying motivations, and therefore I encourage you to consider reassessing your general mindset.
Don’t get me wrong, the strategy might indeed not be right for you – I’ll come to that – but in many occasions the issue is more complex than that.
If, for instance, you’re using a relaxation exercise or a Pilates session solely to suppress your unpleasant feelings or distract yourself from your negative thoughts, it may prove ineffective or even counterproductive. Engaging in wellbeing activities as mere distractions is a disservice to our mental health. The practices you do should align with what you care about rather than serving as temporary escapes. For example, I've observed that my clients show more commitment to such practices when their focus is on cultivating a mindful mindset or improving their physical and mental health generally, compared to those who only engage in these practices when they feel anxious or stressed. This, in turn, decreases the tendency to quit and increases the chances to create an actual routine or habit around mental health.
Activate a proactive mindset.
In my experience, there are three primary motivations behind the increasing interest in establishing a mental health routine or nurturing emotional well-being:
You find yourself overwhelmed, exhausted, or depleted, often during a crisis. Your main wish is to cope with the immediate situation and simply feel better.
You’re bombarded by social media posts where people show their self-care routines, and you can’t help but feel a little like you’re missing out. You want to jump on the bandwagon and join the wellness culture.
You genuinely care about your present and future emotional well-being and want to take proactive steps to foster a healthier mental state.
Now, these are all valid reasons, but I’ve observed how the first two can sometimes lead to negative outcomes. For example, engaging in wellbeing practices just to handle a crisis or only when we’re feeling overwhelmed may lead to neglecting ongoing emotional investment once feeling marginally better. You don’t need to have a big problem or crisis to look after your mental health. The problem space or therapy is not the only place that mental health has to live. In fact, nothing has to be wrong with you to start a mental health regimen.
The crux lies in prioritising an ongoing mindset of wellbeing and resisting the temptation to do things for the sake of comfort or social validation.
Approaching emotional wellbeing reactively is like to hitting the gym only when you've gained weight or a few weeks before beach season. While addressing problems as they arise is essential, waiting for a crisis to strike can undermine your mental health initiatives.
It's also not a competition. I understand the fear of missing out in today’s world and how it might affect your approach to engaging in wellbeing activities, but your efforts will not be sustainable if your main motive is mimicking what others are doing.
Now, in setting your intentions, some reflection questions can be helpful:
Why do you want to start this mental health routine, and why now?
What does prioritising your mental health look like?
What do you want to get out of it?
What are the things that get in the way of prioritising your mental health? What have you been prioritising instead?
From my experience, some helpful intentions in prioritising mental health and practicing a wellbeing activity that work for people include becoming physically and emotionally healthier in general, living a better life, increasing long-term quality of life, becoming a better parent/manager/employee, improving self-regulation, and maintaining better relationships with others. You should find your own intention, but be aware that intentions focused on escaping from experiences or problems, or competing with others, might not be conducive to looking after our mental health.
It’s not necessarily going to make you “feel good.”
One common misconception is the belief that prioritising mental health or investing in emotional wellbeing will automatically result in feeling good. I get that; it’s a natural desire and we all want to feel better. But if your primary aim is to achieve a perpetual state of feeling good, you might be disappointed.
The reality is, this isn't going to be effortless; it requires work. Besides, discomfort isn't necessarily negative; it serves as a ground for growth. Embracing discomfort may be the price we pay for committing to long-term emotional wellbeing and better mental skills and resources.
But this process demands a commitment to challenging oneself while refraining from being too harsh on yourself. Striking a balance between these two aspects is important. Excessive self-criticism or an absence of challenge may lead to quitting or self-blame. Conversely, too much self-kindness without any element of challenge may impede growth and change.
In essence, strive for balance, but understand that this balance doesn't necessarily equate to constant happiness. It's about acknowledging the discomfort and persisting with the understanding that growth often emerges from the challenges we confront.
Beware of falling into the trap of toxic routine culture.
While I advocate for establishing routines to support mental health, I'm wary of the toxicity that can surround them.
Structure and consistency are absolutely valuable tools for fostering wellbeing and creating daily routines. But rigid adherence to predefined routines can lead to stagnation. Flexibility is key. Avoiding unhealthy attachments is necessary. In fact, research shows that building habits with flexibility makes them stronger, and makes us less likely to quit. Your wellbeing shouldn’t hinge on rigid commitment to a set schedule. It should evolve around changing needs and circumstances and respect your personal characteristics.
We’re in a hyper-connected world and we're bombarded with the daily routines of friends, family, celebrities, and even strangers. It's easy to succumb to social pressures and feel compelled to conform. However, true mental health care involves resisting harmful norms from the outset.
Routines, in essence, are wonderful. Personally, I find them incredibly beneficial, as they streamline my life and bring a sense of order. But it's crucial that they don't transform into sources of pressure or burden.
Remember, you have the autonomy to adjust your mental health or well-being routine as needed. You're entitled to skip a meditation session or set aside your gratitude journal if you feel it's what you need. You can even overhaul your entire routine or abandon it altogether if it no longer serves you.
Above all, don't equate mental health practices or routines with productivity. Instead, view them as vehicles for aligning with your intentions and moving in the direction of your desired outcomes.
Not all practices are one-size-fits-all solutions.
It's easy to adopt new trends without much thought or scrutiny. Take mindfulness, for instance. It's been marketed as a cure-all for the stresses of modern life. Sure, it works wonders for many, improving both physical and mental well-being. But mindfulness isn't necessarily beneficial for everyone in every situation.
In fact, recent studies have shed light on some surprising findings. For instance, our own exploration among colleagues revealed that mindfulness might pose a risk factor for ill-being if one lacks the capacity for emotion regulation.
Research also suggests that mindfulness training can lead to unexpected outcomes, such as increased anxiety and heightened negative emotions.
Now, I'm not saying you need to pore over every research study before trying out a new practice. However, these insights offer valuable food for thought. They help us understand why certain practices might not work as expected or could even backfire.
It's essential to recognise that our individual experiences and needs vary widely. What works for your yoga-loving neighbour might not be your cup of coffee. And that's perfectly okay.
Keep an open mind and a discerning eye. Experiment, explore, and don't be afraid to pivot if something isn't working for you. Remember, it's not about following the latest trends or adhering to someone else's idea of what's "right." It's about finding what truly resonates with you and nourishes your mind, body, and soul. It’s about what you need more of or less of.
What now?
If you’ve read this piece, that means you’re interested in prioritising your mental health. As you walk this path, don't overlook the fundamentals.
Prioritising mental health is not always easy, but it's undoubtedly worth it. Here are my tips based on everything I’ve discussed:
Reacting to problems is necessary, but when it comes to sustainable emotional well-being, being proactive is essential. Think of prioritising mental health not as a seasonal approach but as a lifelong commitment.
What works for someone might not work for you. Besides, just because a practice is trendy doesn’t mean it’s effective for everyone in every situation or for every purpose. Always be intentional before adopting a well-being activity or practice.
If you find yourself investing a lot in your mental health but see no benefits, it might be worth taking a break. If you have the resources, consider working with a mental health professional to identify what is going on.
Refrain from equating our mental health routine with productivity and approach it with a flexible mindset instead. What’s important is that it serves your intentions.