How to be resilient

“Resilience isn’t about being bulletproof. Resilient people do experience pain and suffer, but they eventually recover and grow.”
Here is my piece on resilience published in Psyche Magazine.
Nobody wants to suffer, yet somehow, we find ourselves in the same painful situations over and over again. We repeatedly fall into relationships that mirror old wounds, sabotage our own progress, invite unnecessary hardship, replay past traumatic experiences, or instinctively shy away from happiness.
In The Dyer’s Hand and Other Essays, poet Wystan Hugh Auden offers an interesting perspective on self-criticism:
To keep his errors down to a minimum, the internal Censor to whom a poet submits his work in progress should be a Censorate.
Growth isn’t a new idea. For the ancient Greeks, especially Aristotle, it was the foundation of living a good life. Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia—often translated as flourishing—was about living in harmony with your highest virtues. Similarly, Confucius' theory of self-cultivation emphasises that individual…
We’ve created a world where we push away what makes us most human. Emotions are dismissed as inconvenient. Vulnerability is twisted into weakness. Detachment from others is glorified. Independence has become a badge of honour, as if needing no one is the ultimate measure of success.
Anger is a tricky emotion. It can fire us up to stand our ground, right a wrong, or push for change. But it can also take over, leaving us drained, regretful, or stuck in a cycle of resentment.
In one entry from her Journal of a Solitude, published in 1973, poet and writer May Sarton wrote:
Resentment doesn’t announce itself loudly. It lingers beneath the surface, showing up indirectly: in a passive-aggressive text, an awkward silence after a sharp joke, a harsh remark disguised as feedback, or the quiet frustration of watching someone do what you never allow yourself to.
Growth and healing get all the spotlight—empowering, life-changing, thrilling. But here’s the part no one puts on an inspirational poster: it’s lonely too.
It’s the kind of loneliness where you feel alienated because the people around you resist, reject, or even criticise your changes.
What wouldn’t we do out of boredom? In 2019, a story went viral about a security guard in Wisconsin working the night shift at a Bath & Body Works. Out of sheer boredom, he decided to handcuff himself, just for the thrill of it.
The problem? He had left the key at home. The night ended with an embarrassed call to the police.
Sometimes, we act in ways that others quickly label as “illogical” or an “overreaction,” but not all seemingly irrational behaviour is as senseless as it appears.
Think about how often we interpret others' negative actions as being directed at us, even when they aren't.
People change but that change can come with fear. People begin to unlearn old habits and experiment with new ways of being. They start responding to problems differently, forming deeper connections, and making decisions with greater intention. But as they step into this new version of themselves, they also find it unsettling, even terrifying.