How to let go of emotional pain
Just let it go. People say it like it’s a simple task, as if letting go of pain is something you can check off your to-do list. But letting go of a memory, an experience, and most importantly, the feelings tied to them—like guilt, sorrow, despair, and shame—is anything but simple.
There’s irony in the process of letting go. As counterintuitive as it sounds, to let go of pain, you need to lean into it fully. You can't truly let go until you've moved “through” the emotion. Try bypassing it, and you find yourself right back where you started, sometimes more wounded than ever.
I had a client who was stuck for months after a painful breakup. He resisted the pain, not out of weakness, but because he’s been taught his entire life to suppress it. After the break-up, his friends and family, with the best intentions, urged him to ‘get it over with’, ‘get on with his life’, ‘just move on’, and ‘stop being sad.’ He listened, hoping that avoiding the pain would bring him relief. But his pain only turned into a deeper suffering.
What he needed was to release the pain by opening his heart to it. He had to learn to sit with it, both metaphorically and literally. By allowing himself to feel, he let the pain flow in its own time. He discovered that the pain wasn’t just pain—it was woven with beautiful memories, joy, hope, and growth. The relationship had given him so much beauty, along with the pain. He needed to give himself permission and space to grieve the loss, and for that, he had to open his heart to the pain, no matter how hard it was at the beginning.
That’s it. It’s about opening your heart to what hurts. Whatever your pain is—sorrow, anger, or fear, or a mix of them all—the only way out is through. Trying to go around the pain deepens it. Facing it demands courage and patience. It’s risky and it’s terrifying. But you must walk through the path—there are no shortcuts. To let go, you must shift from "Take these emotions away" to "I’m willing to feel and understand these emotions." The more we postpone opening to pain, the longer we extend its hold over us.
It’s natural to want to rid ourselves of what hurts. Some people suppress it, others turn to substances, and many distract themselves with work. One of my clients chased one success after another to escape feeling of unworthiness and being unlovable. Clearly, he was hurting due to the lack of value and love he had received from his parents. He had managed to numb his pain through relentless hard work and achievements. But no amount of success could permanently silence his thoughts or erase his feelings. Affirmations and external validation proved fleeting; applause and promotions provided only temporary relief. The pain would inevitably resurface, often stronger than before. Ultimately, he had to confront and actively engage with his pain. He had to be present with it.
Opening to the pain doesn't mean becoming its victim. It’s learning to feel emotions freely, even though it hurts. As we learn to lean in and accept a difficult emotion, we open the door for its transformation—from suffering to healing. To let go means, to let the pain or the emotion flow.
This movement toward the pain is not about mindless exposure either. It’s not jumping into a dangerous ocean when you’re fearful of swimming. It’s a mindful touch, by increasing your awareness of what is going on in your heart and body. It’s a careful, intentional exposure without becoming overwhelmed. It’s about being aware of your pain in a new, transformative way, seeing it in ways you haven’t before. It’s simply a compassionate connection.
From avoidance to connection
To start, you need to listen to your pain, literally. This is how we transform our emotions from sources of suffering into valuable guides. It’s how we learn that they’re not here to drive us mad or break us, but to highlight our needs.
Think about the moments you feel most connected to people—they are probably with those who truly listen to you. When we’re listened to, we feel seen, valued, and relaxed. The same happens with your emotions and your pain when you start listening to them. They become seen, and they become kinder, softer. Listening is healing in itself. Silenced pain intensifies, growing angry and brutal. Certain emotions are so powerful that they won’t go away until they make sure you’ve attended and listened to them.
The pain is revealing things about yourself—what you want to do, what you’re missing, where you’re stuck, what or who needs more love and kindness, or what you value. With an intentional and patient listening, you can discover these underlying messages.
Moving towards pain also requires learning to sit with your pain. Sitting with pain doesn’t mean venting, suppressing, avoiding, or analysing. It’s simply getting closer to it. It’s about turning your attention to your heart and your body. It’s about noticing the stories your mind starts telling you about those feelings. It’s about accepting that you’re hurting and that it’s okay to hurt.
But it’s hard to show kindness to yourself when you’re hurting, and that's why sitting with pain can easily become very overwhelming and turn into self-judgment. A good starting point might be to do this with the company of a trusted person who won’t judge you and who will be present with you. Healing is difficult without compassion. Until you’re more comfortable with it, why not leverage someone’s compassionate presence.
As you listen and sit with your pain, you become more accepting of it. It becomes less intense and less scary. Then you can create new meaning from it. As humans, we have this extraordinary ability for meaning making. Yet, this process hinges on our willingness to lean into discomfort, and to confront our pain with courage and vulnerability. Only then can we truly let go and move towards healing and inner peace.
You don't need to wear your pain as a badge of honour, but you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. Emotional pain isn't an illness or a weakness; It's a natural part of life. Learning to own your pain, and to hold it with compassion rather than shame, is where magic happens.
Remember: letting go of pain and emotional healing isn’t a linear process with clear steps and deadlines that work exactly the same with everyone. It’s an experience shaped by each person’s own discovery. It should flow at your own pace.
I’d like to share some of my favourite quotes that beautifully capture the ideas in this post.
"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." —Rumi
"There is a crack, a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in." —Leonard Cohen
"When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful." —Gary Zukav
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." —Khalil Gibran
"To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear." —Stephen Levine
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." —Albert Camus
“Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love. So you mustn’t be frightened, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must think that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.”
—Rainer Maria Rilke