The balance between judgment and non-judgment
We all need the ability to judge. Good judgment enables us to make moral decisions and informed choices, and to better calculate the outcomes of our own and others’ behaviours. It gives us the opportunity to learn and grow, which are the foundations of wisdom. We use judgment in selecting a suitable principle applied to a given situation and identify what kind of actions are consistent with that principle. Without the capacity for good judgment, we could end up making miscalculations.
Despite the value judgment brings to our lives, there are times it can be destructive. This is basically about the difference between making judgments and being judgmental. One such case is when judgment leads to being overly critical about others and stepping on to their autonomy. Especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, being able to practice a non-judgmental attitude in the right situation can prevent problems such as excessive defensiveness, resistance, or even resentment. A research(1) study done back in 1980s showed that children raised by parents who are relatively non-judgmental display more creativity later on than those raised by judgmental parents. Contemporary research(2)also supports the benefits of non-judgmental parenting and suggests that it contributes to the wellbeing of the child.
What does it mean to be non-judgmental?
The idea of a non-judgmental attitude is one of the building blocks of person-centred (humanistic) psychotherapy founded by Carl Rogers. Although he talked about the therapists’ non-judgmental attitude toward their clients, the concept has implications in daily life as well. Being non-judgmental refers to an open-minded approach to others, respect for their opinions and actions, and an appreciation of their true selves. It is about being present and curious, as opposed to imposing our own opinions and values. You might disagree with someone’s ideas, perspective, or lifestyle but you can still be accepting of them and interact with them in a non-judgmental way. In other words, non-judgment does not necessitate agreement. We can have discussions and arguments, but we can refrain from making inferences about someone’s overall worthiness. Being non- judgmental doesn’t mean that we won’t be making ethical or moral judgments. It is more about how much space and safety we give to the other to express themselves, and whether we can perceive them as worthwhile beings despite the differences.
Caveats
Being non-judgmental is a valuable skill, yet there are some caveats. For example, to what extent we should be non-judgmental in our relationships? Not everyone has trained to be a psychotherapist or a counsellor who are taught to be as non-judgmental as possible in the therapy room. The point is, non-judgment should be practiced in the right dose and at the right situation. We should accept the fact that it is very hard to resist judging some people such as those who harm others, politicians, or those we do not like in general. We are wired to view others’ actions through evaluative lenses. Besides, we have our own values that we follow, and it difficult to leave them behind when we interact with others and the world around us. Long story short, it is okay to find ourselves in situations where we do make judgments about some people. The key is learning how to balance. Extreme non-judgmental attitude might make us blind to the variety of opinions and abilities in others. Perceiving the judgmental and non-judgmental stances on a continuum and understanding certain conditions a non-judgmental attitude evolves in can be quite helpful.
How can we improve non-judgment?
Empathy and being non-judgmental go hand in hand. When evaluating someone’s behaviours or characteristics, the key is understanding their perspectives, stories and experiences. Asking yourself “Why would she/he behave like that?” is a good start. Second, we need to evaluate our own behaviours and current habits in an objective manner. Have you acted immorally in the past? Have you, for instance, cheated in the exam? Perhaps you are not perfect either and depending on the situation people can act in ways that you don’t approve. Third, ignorance or lack of knowledge may prevent us from being non-judgmental. The next time you judge someone, you may want to try to see whether you form strong judgments based on insufficient knowledge and stereotypes.
Fourth, it might be a good practice to notice that the other person might not get their values from the same place. That could help us distinguish the facts from thoughts/beliefs and understand that others can have totally different value frames. Finally, oftentimes we tend to associate the person with their thoughts. However, we are more than our thoughts. That is, we are not defined by our thoughts. Witnessing someone having a thought you don’t like doesn’t mean that she/he is a bad person. Separating thoughts from personality is, thus, crucial.
It all comes to being mindful about whether our judgments are helpful or unhelpful when we interact with others.
References
(1)Harrington, D. M., Block, J. H., & Block, J. (1987). Testing aspects of Carl Roger’s theory of creative environments: Child-rearing antecedents of creative potential in young adolescents. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 851-856.
(2)Medeiros, C., Gouveia, M. J., Canavarro, M. C., & Moreira, H. (2016). The Indirect Effect of the Mindful Parenting of Mothers and Fathers on the Child’s Perceived Well-Being Through the Child’s Attachment to Parents. Mindfulness, 7(4), 916–927. doi: 10.1007/s12671-016-0530-z
We’ve all seen what immaturity looks like. Just turn on the evening news, and there it is: politicians slinging insults instead of ideas, leaders driven by greed instead of empathy, and everyday people losing it, throwing tantrums at workers who are just trying to do their jobs.